Little spoons don't ask big questions
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
