how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
