Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
