life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
