My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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