then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
