this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
