Don't make out with my wife yet
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
