I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
