My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
