The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
