tonight lets celebrate not being married
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
