Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
