Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
