when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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