I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
