Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
