I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
