They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
