where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You ruined the universe
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
