Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
