i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
