If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
