Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
