i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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