Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
