Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
