he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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