my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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