Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
