I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i now understand why vodka
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
