My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
