I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
