BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
