Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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