I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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