I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
