So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
