I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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