On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
