i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
