Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
zippers are such a cool invention
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
