I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
