I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
