i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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