You can't motorboat a personality
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
