Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
