I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
