I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
