I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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