i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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