Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
